Countdown to our winter escape – 25 August 2014

Mission Control: 72 hours to launch- Countdown has begun!

Mission Control: ‘Twernt, are you ready?”

Twernt: Not quite, you need to set my ladders up and wash me down with a feather Trevor and then empty, sort and repack everything in my garage. When that has been completed you must batten down everything from my head to my ass, switch off my powered vitals and then I need diesel and an LPG fill-up. Don’t forget to fix those bikes to my ass and don’t leave my power line, levels and chocks behind. Oh, and if you don’t want a riot at every site we visit don’t forget to uproot the dog-lead ground anchor and stow it in a place where the curly bit doesn’t spike your own ass.

Mission Control: “We can accommodate most of your demands Twernt but on the washing front you’re asking a lot; it’s raining and the forecast isn’t good, your vanity may have to be sacrificed, the mission takes precedence”.

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Mission Control: “Shakey, are you ready?”

Shakey: “No”

Mission Control: “Why not?”

Shakey: “I want to stay here and watch for falling apples”

Mission Control: “In your bed, NOW!”

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Mission Control: “Tilley, are you ready?”

Tilley: “YES, ready; let’s find new people that I can annoy. Can we call it the ‘Million Barks Mission’?”, “I need a calculator and the incentive of a project achievement award”

Mission Control: “Stop it, stop it, STOP IT!”, “Upon hearing these words, you will NOT bark, got it?”

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Mission Control: “Amanda, are you ready?”

Amanda: “Stop bothering me, I’m busy on Facebook”

Mission Control: “I’ll take that as a yes then”

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Mission Control: “Bloggerlugs, are you ready?”

Bloggerlugs: “First, Twernt’s demands have to be met, the last VAT quarter return has to be done, Tuesday’s a wipe-out helping Ed/Nicole/Will to move house plus I want to set-up a bloggable spreadsheet for camping spots visited, update the blog costings and you won’t even let me have a Lumix aspherical zoom lens. I don’t believe it!”

Mission Control: “Crack on, lad, the mintoes are on-board”

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That’s pretty much a status update – motorhome life, retirement, wintering in France, Spain, Portugal, pension boosting around the corner, it’s all coming together with little or no dissent in the ranks.

The only thing of note (apart from the tedium of prepping for departure) was an observation about the two nearby apple trees.

Apples are supposed to grow on trees (or so I’ve heard – I know money doesn’t because my parents educated in this phenomena when I was a child).

Apples are supposed to stay on trees until someone comes along and picks them at whatever is determined to be their peak readiness point.

Well, the apples on these two trees simply don’t play by the rules.

They just keep falling to the ground.

Thumping to the ground, thumping onto the cabin roof, they pollute the overnight silence with their all too frequent attempts to indent the earth.

They are just far enough away to miss Twernt but Richard, our neighbour, has had to undertake the drastic action of lopping off some apple tree branches.

Richard has also been observed using a long pole to persuade more elevated apples to obey the laws of gravity once freed from their parents shackles.

Before Richard did this, those apples didn’t care that instead of falling to earth a more attractive destination would be the roof of Richard & Sue’s newly acquired caravan.

Then there’s the side that messes with Shakey’s head.

The promise of an apple about to fall causes Shakey to sit in wait for the inevitable event. He then rushes over to that errant apple, sniffs right on it and then circles around trying to find the track it appeared from.

Once satisfied (or rather that must be dissatisfied as he can’t climb trees) he returns to his on-watch position in readiness of the next apple appearance from nowhere event.

I wasn’t prepared to put up with this apple behaviour so I decided to commandeer one in an attempt to discover if apples had any common sense.

The evidence so far being that they don’t have any common sense.

The chosen test sample was given respect and placed on the boom table in Twernt.

I decided to start off with a simple leading question and had the above arguments ‘at the ready’ depending on the reply I was going to get, “Do you apples have any common sense?”, I asked.

Well, guess what?

That’s right, the apple didn’t reply!

I considered this to be disrespectful and ignorant.

And this led to me taking that time honoured route that’s used for treating all disrespectful, ignorant, common sense lacking matters – I ate the bugger!

So, my test conclusions are that if something in your life is disrespectful or ignorant and lacks common sense, EAT IT!

On the football front, all fears of what London clubs could inflict on DCFC were quelled by that 5-1 scoreline, looked like it could be tricky for a while though. Amanda’s Nottingham Forest are off to a flying start but we’ll be there when the Brian Clough Trophy is at stake (and they know it!); Could be a good year for the East Midlands clubs; I also watch out for Burton, Sheffield United (Nigel factor), Notts County and York. As for Louis van Gaal; are you about to unleash a new Ronaldo, van Nistelrooy or maybe even a Beckham? Looks like you need something ………… and soon. I would also like to see the Arsenal build on last years cup win. Then, of course, there’s Mickleover Sports, W1-D1- L1 so far, a return to the Northern Premier would be good, get stuck in lads!

It’s now 70 hours to departure!

Spain needs to be warmer than August in England for this young lady

This little guy is looking out for the snow. Rob, my man, it’s August, now clear off and bring back the Swallows

‘Swallows? I see no Swallows’ – neither do I chum

All I can see are apples behving badly!

Shakey: maybe those apples bounced into the walled garden from the lane outside

Tilley: ‘Shouldn’t we be moving on?’

Did I hear you say MOO-ving?

Meanwhile it’s a good job there’s one sane person on the plot.
Literally.